Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
