Can i not drive my cunt home
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
nutella sex= disaster
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
