im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
