i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
