if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i think i just lost a toe
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
