I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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