Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
