Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i was born a porn star she said
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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