They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
