dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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