Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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