That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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