If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
