Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
