There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize