I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You're breaking my sexual little heart
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
