So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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