you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Sext me about skeletons
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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