What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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