Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
