Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You're like the curious george of whores
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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