Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
