Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
