I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
