Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
