you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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