you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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