I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
