I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
