I wish I could punch you in the face.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
