So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
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