i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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