The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
