whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
