My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize