So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
