I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
