i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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