i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
