I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
