Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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