haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
