Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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