hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
