i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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