You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
