she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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