when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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