Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
