Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
