We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
