When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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