Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
