just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
