im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
