There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize