I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
