Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize