I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i came on her dog
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
