Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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